I suppose since I've written 3 or 4 posts about Christmas since October I should probably write one on Christmas. As you know if you've read the previous Christmas posts, I get freaking excited about this holiday. Some might even say to a fault. Whateva! As you may also recall from the aforementioned posts, my sister and I were planning a prank on my other sister while she is away with the in-laws. I'll just remind you. My sister is very particular about her Christmas decorations. She hates coloured lights and she hates those big inflatable decorations that sometimes adorn her neighbor's yards. So, naturally, my sister, Megan and I were going to... redecorate her house for her while she was away. Operation Anti-Grinch. Well... that didn't happen.
This next part of the post is rather sad despite the joyous holiday and you may not want to read it. I completely understand if you skip over it (how will I know, anyhow?) or if you just stop reading at this point. I will let you know in BIG BOLD, RED LETTERS when it is OK to carry on.
Sad part:
The reason we did not carry on with the genius that is Operation Anti-Grinch is because I came to my sister's home and discovered something rather unpleasant. You see, I've been house-sitting while they are away, which includes feeding the animals, checking the mail and so on. I woke up early yesterday (Christmas Eve) because I had an errand to run with my dad. I had come in late the night before so I had fed the dog, Holly at around midnight. I was only going to be gone for two hours at the most so I decided to feed her when I got back. So I got back and went over to feed her and get some stuff to take back to my house. In hindsight, I should have realised that there was something wrong in the beginning because I didn't here her bark when I pulled up. She didn't come to the door when I got in so I figured she was off somewhere in the yard. I opened the door and she didn't come. She didn't come when I called her which I thought was odd. She is very hyper and gets really happy and excited when she sees anyone. So I went to one side of house and saw that she wasn't there. Then I went to the other side and found her. I smiled and called her name because I thought she was just being lazy or had wanted me to come find her. Then I started to get worried when she didn't move. Long story short, I started crying and ran back inside to get my phone and call my dad. He came over, my mum came over, my brother came over, and soon, everyone sans the owners of the house and it's animals were over. I started to get really scared that it was my fault for not feeding her even though I thought she would be fine cause she had just eaten late. I thought maybe it was something I had done and I felt like running away and never coming back. She was only two years old. A puppy still.
Conflicted part:
Everyone assured me that it wasn't my fault and that Great Danes' are susceptible to all sorts of problems because they are so big and that it was probably a heart attack. That just made me angry. Yeah, I'll just say it. I was really, really angry at... wait for it... God. That's right. I was pissed. Sometimes (most of the time if not all the time) I have no idea what is going on with him. He does things that don't makes sense or maybe they just don't make sense to my tiny, stupid, human brain. But really, why does he take things away. Why does he take people away. Why do little kids have cancer. Why would my sister have to go through ANOTHER loss. She had a little black cat named Cole and he became really sick when he was just a kitten and died. And then she had a little Australian Shepherd puppy named Bailey and it turned out that she had been born with a sickeness and died too. Why, in Gods name would that happen? What is the point? I understand that we don't have a perfect world, but really? Some people are trying to make it better. This may seem really harsh and sacreligous or whatever, but it seems like God isn't trying to make it better. It's like he gave up on us completely. Like he got bored of his toys and gave them away. I've heard that bad things come from Satan and that everything good comes from God. Maybe that's true. Maybe it isn't. If it is true then I think God has a say in what bad things do carry out and what does not. I think he can stop them. He just doesn't. I have a lot to be thankful for. I know that. I just have a really hard time being thankful when know he can take it away in the blink of an eye. And for what? I don't know. I would never know why. In my 20 years of life I haven't had to deal with many hardships. I've had two dogs die and a dog run away (also a couple hamsters, a mouse, and a gerbil). I've never dealt with a family member or friend die before. Honestly I don't know if I could handle it. When I was little my dad wasn't around that much. He was a coach along with a running a constructions business and would go on trips and stuff like that a lot. So my mum was my best friend. She was kind of my everything. I was terrified of losing her. I would get really upset whenever she would have to go somewhere without me because I thought God would take her away from me in some horrible car accident or something. I insisted on driving in the car with her everywhere she went because I thought God wouldn't hurt a child and that she would be OK as long as she was with me. I let go a little as I grew older. Sometimes, though, I would get really bad feelings about public and crowded places. I was kind of agoraphobic and would cry and get scared that something would happen to my parents when we went out. So yeah. There's my past as well as my complete misunderstanding of God. I guess I still don't understand him so that hasn't really changed.
So not the best Christmas Eve ever. It was really hard to see and think about and I would start crying randomly and get really sad. I thought about how she was still laying outside while we were all inside thinking about what to do and how she might be cold. Then I thought maybe she was just sleeping really deeply and that I would look over to the door and see her standing there, excited that everyone had come over. I also kept rethinking how she died. Maybe it wasn't a heart attack. Like I said, she was still a puppy and she wasn't very obedient all the time. She was also very big and couldn't control her excitement all the time so she would hit you with her tail or step on your feet on accident. My dad didn't particularly like her because he thought she would accidentally hurt the baby. Not everyone was particularly patient with her all the time. She sure did love everyone though. No matter what. I wondered if she started to think that people didn't like her so she just lay down and decided to stop living. I couldn't sleep last night because I had a really bad stomach ache and I thought there was something wrong with me and that I would just die in my sleep. I don't really want to die right now.
OK, THE SAD PART IS OVER. YOU CAN READ NOW IF YOU HAVEN'T GONE AWAY!!
This morning I woke up and made these little baked things of my Grandmother's invention called French Puffs. They are basically mini muffins that you dip in melted butter and then roll in cinnamon sugar. Then I made jam filled muffins. Your basic muffin recipe with Jam in the middle. Everyone seemed to like them so that was good. And of course we had my mum's breakfast casserole. Christmas brunch is definitely my favourite meal of the year. We exchanged gifts and I got money for my trip which was nice as well as a really pretty and soft pashmina from my dad.
I am getting re-excited for the Doctor Who special that will be airing tomorrow for all of us Americans. The Brits get it today. Just another reason to add to the list of why Lauren should move to England. I was beside myself with excitement a couple days ago before all of that Christmas Eve stuff happened. I am going to go watch season 3 in attempts to get myself super excited again. Tomorrow I am heading to Tulsa, OK to see my grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousin. They kind of had a blizzard up there yesterday so hopefully all of the snow won't be melted and I'll get to play in it and take a walk and that fun stuff. I love snow. <--Another reason to NOT live in Texas! Or at least my area of Texas.
Happy Christmas!! : )
