What to put here...

So last week during HvZ I was walking by the SUB and noticed a group of people standing in a circle with their backs to each other. They were holding up signs that I couldn't really read because I was kind of far away. I did notice, however that a couple of them had tape over their mouths and none of them were talking to one another. Later on I was walking with Reid in the same area and we spotted one of our friends Carman standing with a group of people, all of them holding signs. So we walked over and greeted her and inquired about who the group was and what they were doing. We learned that they were the Gay Straight Alliance and that they were speaking out against the unfairness and discrimination against LGBT. I looked at Reid, who I was about to accompany to hunt some humans, and said that I wanted a sign. One of the picketers heard me and gave me one of their pre-made ones for me to hold. It said "No Hate!" We did a bunch of chants and a lot of them were pretty cool. One went like this:

Nani (the rally leader): Can black people get married?

Us: YES!

Nani: Can atheists get married?

Us: YES!

Nani: Can muslims get married?

Us: YES!

Nani: Can gays get married?

Us: NO!

Nani: Why not?!

Us: ASK YOUR CONGRESSMEN

In the beginning, I admit I was a bit uncomfortable. I hate that. I felt the initial discomfort and stood with them anyhow and began to get louder and less uncomfortable with each chant. I think the reason I felt a bit awkward is because I've grown up in such a conservative environment. I grew up in the Baptist church and we were taught that certain kinds of love were just wrong. I really hate that. I guess I'm not a very good Christian. What kind of scares me though, is that I'm starting not to care. I mean of course I care and I'm afraid for my eternity and all that, but my apathy also scares me. Why am I thinking these things and why am I starting to feel anger toward a God who apparently loves people, but only if they are just the way he wants them to be. I'm the only one in my family with these opinions. I don't even know what they would do if they found out. Even writing this is kind of scary because I feel like God is going to condemn me to Hell for questioning him. But really, why would he create people a certain way and then condemn them for acting on their desires. 1 Cor. 6:9-10 says that gay people won't inherit the kingdom. Why would he make people love another kind of person only to send them to hell for it? That just seems really... I don't know how to put it any other way... shitty. I just don't understand some of the things he does and it bothers me so much. Sometimes he just doesn't seem like he's very loving at all. I also start thinking that maybe, just maybe we are wrong, which is terrifying in and of itself. People believe in Christianity and believe that they bible is right. But what about Muslims and the Qur'an? They believe that that is right. Someone has to be wrong. Maybe I'm just simplifying religion. It really isn't something that should be simplified.

OK, enough religious talk. Even though I am scared about my own personal beliefs and that they may be wrong, I still think that they should have the right to get married and I still support them. Just look at the world today. There is so much hate and horrible things going on. Murder, rape, and we are STILL in the middle east. I really don't think we can afford to discriminate about love. Love is love. If we as Christians have the right to worship freely in this country then how dare we try and take rights from other people. I've been studying the Civil Rights movement in history and it makes me so angry about how the south treated the blacks. I just can't help but think about how my kids might be studying this era in the future and how mad they will be to know that we withheld rights from certain people just based on who they loved.

Alright, I've thoroughly scared the crap out of myself (which is not very Gryffindor-like of me). End of this part of the post.

I have mostly completed my pre study abroad work. I've accepted the two loans that I need to take out, I've signed everything, I've sent off my visa application (they are going to send me a letter in Italian and I am really excited!), and I have finally sent off the classes that I want to be registered for. Originally I was going to take really exciting classes like Italian Confectionary Art, Chocolate Artistry, Worldwide Cuisine, Introduction to Professional Cooking and other exciting sounding classes that involve a lot of cooking. However, I was informed that I could not take those classes because they were only for culinary arts and baking pastry majors. When I told them that the only reason I wasn't one of those two is because we didn't have a culinary arts programme at my university. They said it didn't matter so now I am taking Wines of the World 2, Italian Vegetarian cooking, and other things that I can't be bothered to look up. My study abroad advisor informed me recently that another student is requesting to take Introduction to Professional cooking despite there not being a culinary school here (it would transfer over and count for another class over here). I inquired further about the class and she said that it might be too advanced for me. I am getting really sick of people telling me this sort of thing. Warning me that chefdome would be difficult and such. I know! I am really getting tired of people thinking that I can't handle it. What do they know? Of course, I'm also terrified that they're right and that I will fail miserably and that everyone who either knew I was going to fail from the beginning or had faith that I was going to be great would watch me fall. I really don't know which one is worse. People doubting me or people believing in me and having high expectations that I won't ever meet. I've started not telling people what I want to do. I tell them what I'm majoring in and when they say, "oh, so you want to run a restaurant?" I just reply with, "something like that."

I started wondering if it was even worth it to go this year. I also started wondering whether I was in the right place. I want to cook, but I'm not even in a school with a culinary arts programme. What am I doing here? Should I transfer? I've looked up other schools with that programme and most of them are community colleges. I don't really want to go to a community college and I don't even particularly want to transfer because I really like it here. I've also looked into the Culinary Institute LeNôtre. The problem with the last of those is that it is super expensive. Another problem is that I have to stay in the state of Texas to complete my education because my parents signed up for the Texas Tomorrow Fund when I was a baby which they put money into to make sure that I would have enough money for college... as long as I stay in Texas. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that they did this because it means that I don't have to take out any loans for my education (besides the ones for study abroad), but I am annoyed that I am obligated to stay in the state of Texas. I really don't like Texas all that much, to be honest. I would love to move somewhere else. Preferably out of country, but I suppose I could bare with at least being somewhere away from this state. I just don't know where I should be. I could always go to University of Houston, but I really don't like Houston. It's gross. Why did I have to be the one who would pick a difficult career like this? No one else in my family is causing trouble. My siblings are perfectly content to work in the family business. Why can't I do that? It would be so much easier. There's something wrong with me.

This has been a very strange and long and unorganised post and you don't have to comment if you don't want to. I would be sad if any followers left me, but I would completely understand. Sorry. If you stick around I promise to have another light-hearted, normal post up very soon.

Mo Money Mo Problems...

...Not that I would know.  That's just what I've heard.  I'm going to copy the lovely Sam Freidman and blog about my current financial debacle.  I am now in my sophomore year of college and am currently signed up for 17 hours, two of those including labs.  Now with that many hours comes a lot of required text.  My history professor, for example thought that it would be a splendid idea to assign not one, not two, but three books for us to buy.  Now, dismissing the eminent back problems associated with that copious amount of heavy text there is also something else required in exchange. No, not shiny turquois rocks. Not camels.  Money.  Lots and lots of money.  

With four children in the family, my parents were quick to catch on that they were going to have a rather difficult time paying for all of the education the world would require us to have so they signed up for something called the Texas Tomorrow Fund which allowed them to deposit money certain times a year which would eventually add up to enough to fund the tuition of a public university within the confines of the state of Texas.  Seems like a good idea right?  Right.  It was. Because they did that I don't have to take out student loans or work horrible hours while my grades suffer in order to pay for school and they don't have to work horrible hours while my grades still suffer in order to pay off the expenses.  What they didn't count on was that I wouldn't be satisfied with getting my whole education in Texas and that I wouldn't want to stay with them and work for the family business.  This makes me sound like I'm not appreciative.  On the contrary.  I really, really am.  I would, however like to expand on the education they've already provided me with.  For those of you, if you exist, that read my Blog of BEHAGS where I talk about wanting to travel, I talk about wanting to study abroad in Italy.  Well that blog was posted a few months ago when I was still a freshmen, but look!  Here it is; fall 09 semester which is followed by Spring 2010 which is when I planned to go to Apicius School of Hospitality in Florence, Italy so that I could experience culture and culinary adventures that I could never have in Lubbock, Texas.  I've met with my advisor and a woman that specialises in Study Abroad programmes in Italy and they've given me more information than I could ever dream of.  It's quite overwhelming actually. During the 45 minute meeting with the Study Abroad lady I just sat there with my eyes wide and my mouth hanging open trying to suck it all in.  There are so many things I have to fill out and so many processes I have to go through before I can be accepted.  And what happens then?  What if I don't get accepted.  That could happen.  Since there are only three of you and I don't know IRL more than half of the people reading this, I am going to tell you something that I would usually never tell anyone.  My GPA.  Before I do this I am going to attempt to defend myself here.  Last semester I made the mistake of signing up for Public Policy and History at the same time which are very reading and work heavy classes.  I got a B in History (which is way better than I thought I would get), but a D in Public Policy.  I tried.  I really did.  Just not as much as I could have or should have.  You see, I am the world's worst procrastinator/studier.  I shouldn't even be allowed to... I don't know, it's just bad.  I put things off and then when I should be studying I feel overconfident about the coming test and dismiss it for an activity far more exciting than sitting there revising.  Then when I realise, "Oh shit, I really should be more prepared", I cram and stay up until about 1 AM the night before the test until I feel the apathy wash over me.  "It'll be fine", I tell myself.  "As long as you get a good nights sleep you'll be able to recall everything".  Wrong.  So anyway, my GPA is an average 2.66.  Should be higher, I know.  I'm embarrassed, OK!  

The minimum GPA for the study abroad programme I'm looking at is 2.75.  Now, if you're reading this then you are probably thinking something along the lines of, "But wait, your GPA is lower than the minimum required."  I know, OK.  I'm not that bad.  I've figured that out at least.  I asked the study abroad lady and she said that they are usually pretty flexible and I'm not that far below the minimum and as long as I haven't failed 5 classes I should be OK.  I haven't failed any classes so that's good at least.  The worst I've had is one D.  Mostly Bs, a few As and a couple Cs.  Cs stand for colour, right?  Change the report up a bit?  As if.  More like C stands for child needs to get herself to the library more often to study!

Even though my study abroad advisor told me that I would be OK and that I could still go I'm still really scared that something will keep me from going.  Obviously my main worry is the GPA, but I'm also worried that some other technicality will crop up and keep me stranded here while Danielle and Sarah are off in Europe.  Sarah, my roommate is going to Spain and my friend Danielle is going to be right between us studying abroad in France.  We were all planing on doing some European touring when we had breaks and stuff as well as after school was overin the summer (why waste the airfare?).  If I can't go then the thought of them all over Europe and me stuck here is the most horrible thing and I can't help being terrified that that thought will become a reality.  What if I do get in but I don't have a way of paying for it?  I don't want to go to my parents for this.  They're not exactly thrilled about this decision of mine and even if they did help me pay for it, I don't want them to.  I don't want to have to constantly rely on them for finances.  I'm 20 years old.  I should be pretty independent right about now.  I'm going to try and get a student loan, but my mom just informed me of something horrible that could keep me from getting one. Never having to apply for a student loan before I was unaware that only people with parents with a certain income can be eligible for a student loan.  I probably don't make the cut (no, I'm not saying it's a bad thing that my parents make money).  I was relying on the ability to get a student loan to pay for this trip as well as all the money I saved over the summer.  If that doesn't happen then I'm screwed.  And what if I do get the loan and I'm ready to go, but the Italian government doesn't want to grant me a visa because they don't like my last name because it's dutch?!  That would suck!  I know that sounds ridiculous, but those are honestly some of the things that have been running through my mind ever since I came out of that meeting on Wednesday.  

On top of that all of these unexpected things keep happening.  My professor wasn't clear on which book to buy so I bought the wrong one and it was really expensive and I can't find the receipt ANYWHERE!  And I only have a few days left that I can get a full refund.  And I had to go get my car because it was towed without any warning so that some low-life, inbred, inarticulate, redneck hick could tailgate in the spot that I originally paid $108 for.  So I got to cry out of frustration in front of three men I don't even know and then hand over my check card so that they could take away 65 of the dollars that was supposed to go to the Study Abroad fund.  

Needless to say I just had a really intense college-hating moment today.  The first football game starts in about an hour and fifteen minutes.  I should probably decide whether I even want to go or not even though I probably won't get a seat because everyone and their mom (literally.  It's parent week) will be in attendance.  

This has been a really complainey, mopey post.  Sorry about that and thank you (really) if you've made it this far.  

Current musical obsession: Nina Jankowicz.  She is so freaking awesome.  I wish I had her piano skills.  Her voice is really amazing too.  I can seriously see her becoming really famous because she is SO talented.  You should definitely check her out and get her CD because it's awesome.  OK, I'll stop fangirling. 

Reading: Arc of Justice.  It's a book set in the 20s an it's supposed to be really good.  I think it will be when I get a little farther along.  It's a little slow getting started.  I really like the 20s though.  It's one of the three assigned books for my post Civil War History class.  

The lunch I had just now resembled that of an 8 year old day camper's.  Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich, cut diagonally.  Goldfish, a crunchbar, and a Hi-C Orange LavaBurst juice box.  Yeah.