What to put here...

So last week during HvZ I was walking by the SUB and noticed a group of people standing in a circle with their backs to each other. They were holding up signs that I couldn't really read because I was kind of far away. I did notice, however that a couple of them had tape over their mouths and none of them were talking to one another. Later on I was walking with Reid in the same area and we spotted one of our friends Carman standing with a group of people, all of them holding signs. So we walked over and greeted her and inquired about who the group was and what they were doing. We learned that they were the Gay Straight Alliance and that they were speaking out against the unfairness and discrimination against LGBT. I looked at Reid, who I was about to accompany to hunt some humans, and said that I wanted a sign. One of the picketers heard me and gave me one of their pre-made ones for me to hold. It said "No Hate!" We did a bunch of chants and a lot of them were pretty cool. One went like this:

Nani (the rally leader): Can black people get married?

Us: YES!

Nani: Can atheists get married?

Us: YES!

Nani: Can muslims get married?

Us: YES!

Nani: Can gays get married?

Us: NO!

Nani: Why not?!

Us: ASK YOUR CONGRESSMEN

In the beginning, I admit I was a bit uncomfortable. I hate that. I felt the initial discomfort and stood with them anyhow and began to get louder and less uncomfortable with each chant. I think the reason I felt a bit awkward is because I've grown up in such a conservative environment. I grew up in the Baptist church and we were taught that certain kinds of love were just wrong. I really hate that. I guess I'm not a very good Christian. What kind of scares me though, is that I'm starting not to care. I mean of course I care and I'm afraid for my eternity and all that, but my apathy also scares me. Why am I thinking these things and why am I starting to feel anger toward a God who apparently loves people, but only if they are just the way he wants them to be. I'm the only one in my family with these opinions. I don't even know what they would do if they found out. Even writing this is kind of scary because I feel like God is going to condemn me to Hell for questioning him. But really, why would he create people a certain way and then condemn them for acting on their desires. 1 Cor. 6:9-10 says that gay people won't inherit the kingdom. Why would he make people love another kind of person only to send them to hell for it? That just seems really... I don't know how to put it any other way... shitty. I just don't understand some of the things he does and it bothers me so much. Sometimes he just doesn't seem like he's very loving at all. I also start thinking that maybe, just maybe we are wrong, which is terrifying in and of itself. People believe in Christianity and believe that they bible is right. But what about Muslims and the Qur'an? They believe that that is right. Someone has to be wrong. Maybe I'm just simplifying religion. It really isn't something that should be simplified.

OK, enough religious talk. Even though I am scared about my own personal beliefs and that they may be wrong, I still think that they should have the right to get married and I still support them. Just look at the world today. There is so much hate and horrible things going on. Murder, rape, and we are STILL in the middle east. I really don't think we can afford to discriminate about love. Love is love. If we as Christians have the right to worship freely in this country then how dare we try and take rights from other people. I've been studying the Civil Rights movement in history and it makes me so angry about how the south treated the blacks. I just can't help but think about how my kids might be studying this era in the future and how mad they will be to know that we withheld rights from certain people just based on who they loved.

Alright, I've thoroughly scared the crap out of myself (which is not very Gryffindor-like of me). End of this part of the post.

I have mostly completed my pre study abroad work. I've accepted the two loans that I need to take out, I've signed everything, I've sent off my visa application (they are going to send me a letter in Italian and I am really excited!), and I have finally sent off the classes that I want to be registered for. Originally I was going to take really exciting classes like Italian Confectionary Art, Chocolate Artistry, Worldwide Cuisine, Introduction to Professional Cooking and other exciting sounding classes that involve a lot of cooking. However, I was informed that I could not take those classes because they were only for culinary arts and baking pastry majors. When I told them that the only reason I wasn't one of those two is because we didn't have a culinary arts programme at my university. They said it didn't matter so now I am taking Wines of the World 2, Italian Vegetarian cooking, and other things that I can't be bothered to look up. My study abroad advisor informed me recently that another student is requesting to take Introduction to Professional cooking despite there not being a culinary school here (it would transfer over and count for another class over here). I inquired further about the class and she said that it might be too advanced for me. I am getting really sick of people telling me this sort of thing. Warning me that chefdome would be difficult and such. I know! I am really getting tired of people thinking that I can't handle it. What do they know? Of course, I'm also terrified that they're right and that I will fail miserably and that everyone who either knew I was going to fail from the beginning or had faith that I was going to be great would watch me fall. I really don't know which one is worse. People doubting me or people believing in me and having high expectations that I won't ever meet. I've started not telling people what I want to do. I tell them what I'm majoring in and when they say, "oh, so you want to run a restaurant?" I just reply with, "something like that."

I started wondering if it was even worth it to go this year. I also started wondering whether I was in the right place. I want to cook, but I'm not even in a school with a culinary arts programme. What am I doing here? Should I transfer? I've looked up other schools with that programme and most of them are community colleges. I don't really want to go to a community college and I don't even particularly want to transfer because I really like it here. I've also looked into the Culinary Institute LeNôtre. The problem with the last of those is that it is super expensive. Another problem is that I have to stay in the state of Texas to complete my education because my parents signed up for the Texas Tomorrow Fund when I was a baby which they put money into to make sure that I would have enough money for college... as long as I stay in Texas. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that they did this because it means that I don't have to take out any loans for my education (besides the ones for study abroad), but I am annoyed that I am obligated to stay in the state of Texas. I really don't like Texas all that much, to be honest. I would love to move somewhere else. Preferably out of country, but I suppose I could bare with at least being somewhere away from this state. I just don't know where I should be. I could always go to University of Houston, but I really don't like Houston. It's gross. Why did I have to be the one who would pick a difficult career like this? No one else in my family is causing trouble. My siblings are perfectly content to work in the family business. Why can't I do that? It would be so much easier. There's something wrong with me.

This has been a very strange and long and unorganised post and you don't have to comment if you don't want to. I would be sad if any followers left me, but I would completely understand. Sorry. If you stick around I promise to have another light-hearted, normal post up very soon.